After securing my first apartment in Vancouver, I received distressing news that my mother had been transferred to the ICU on the same day. The guilt of not being by her side during this critical time weighed heavily on me, questioning my role as a daughter.

Throughout the month leading up to this, my mother had been in and out of the hospital due to various health issues, including battling multiple sclerosis, undergoing chemotherapy for bone cancer at a young age, and dealing with depression and anxiety. The phone call I received as I headed to sign the lease for my new apartment turned out to be my stepfather delivering the unexpected news that a heart transplant was Mum’s best option.

Despite feeling shaken, I managed to sign the lease papers but found myself in a daze for the rest of the day. I spent hours gazing out of the window in my small dorm room, followed by a somber evening watching the sunset at the beach with a friend trying to offer comfort.

As someone often labeled as an “Old Soul” due to my mature demeanor, I grappled with the conflicting emotions of pursuing my own goals while feeling the responsibility to care for my ailing mother. However, with the support and wisdom of my stepfather, I realized that taking care of myself was not neglecting my mother but embracing the cycle of love and care within our relationship.

Despite the physical distance between us, my mother and I maintained our bond through phone conversations, adjusting to a new dynamic where my stepfather took on many of the caregiving duties I once shouldered. While the guilt of not being constantly by her side remains, I have started to find solace in the evolving nature of our relationship and the realization that caring for others also means allowing them to care for me.

After a visit to see her following her heart transplant surgery, I reflected on finding a balance between observing life from afar and actively participating in it. The guilt may linger, but I am beginning to embrace the role of not just an observer but an executor of my own life’s journey.